Wrong Reason Decisions




Because I hated my home life and was too young to know any better I married the first boy I thought I was in love with. This led to altering my career goals, a beautiful daughter, and a very painful divorce.

I had a very unhappy home life as a child and dreamed of the day I could get away from it. As long as I can remember I immersed myself in school, knowing that education was the ticket out. I never played the dumb female; I was smart and proud of it. My stepmother thought brains were only for girls who had no other options, I listened continuously to remarks like, “no one wants to marry an encyclopedia”, and vowed I didn’t care. An education was still my goal. I studied hard, got good grades, I even got early acceptance into two fairly prestigious colleges. Then I met Larry. He was gorgeous, funny, and a high school jock. Best of all, he thought I was special, and I had been craving that for the last 10 years. So I fancied that this was the love I had waited all 17 years of my life for. I hadn’t forgotten college though. Then Larry asked me to marry him. At the time, it seemed perfect. No college, but the husband from heaven. I could make the trade, it didn’t seem like settling. Marriage would mean that I would have my own home and never have to spend another night in this one I hated so much. After all I had 18 years of wisdom under my belt.

When Larry and I were first married, I thought all my dreams had come true. I was married to a hot high school jock and was out of a home life I had hated for the last 10 years. Larry was offered a job in the southern end of Maine, far away from my despised home. He accepted, we moved, and all we had was each other to depend on. This led us to believe we had a bond that was unbreakable. So at the ripe old age of 20, I gave birth to our daughter. She was a beautiful baby, but a difficult one. She grew to be a rebellious, stubborn, and willful child. She has been the source of much joy and much agony for me. She was certainly not an easy child, or any easier adult, but she is mine, and my love for her is endless. While raising her, much of it alone, I tried not to resent her or what I missed because I had her so young. I would like to think I succeeded in this, but in truth, probably did not.

Inevitably, the time came when Larry and I had nothing in common other than Amanda. We both knew it, but hated to be quitters. (Wonder where Amanda gets her stubbornness from?) Time spent together was not relaxing or cause for enjoyment, anticipation of time away from each other was overwhelming, especially for me. I would sit on the couch and remember the dreams and goals of my teenage years and wonder how it had slipped away. I still loved Larry, but could no longer see myself on the front porch with him rocking our grandchildren to sleep. We dragged our feet until it became unbearable and we knew we were hurting Amanda as much as each other. Neither of us could bear putting her through our misery anymore. So, I left and took Amanda with me. All these years later, I still can feel the pain of that night. Papers were filed and the process of divorce moved forward. The day came to stand before the judge and I could barely get the words out of my mouth agreeing to end my marriage. I wanted to say no then and there, but knew in the bigger scheme of things this was the right thing to do. There was no hate between Larry and I, just a huge sadness of a life started too young and for the wrong reasons to have a fighting chance. I was an old woman of 28 by now.

The effect of having a childhood that was not idyllic made a permanent impression on my life. It led me to the joy of love, the miracle of motherhood, and the pain of love failed. I am stronger and wiser now, but carry those effects with me always.