DISASTER

Before last week when I thought of a disaster, I thought of hurricanes, blizzards, or anything that could potentially destroy a physical thing. On Tuesday, April 21 disaster hit me face on. My Dad suffered a stroke, one that seems to be taking the very essence of the only stable man in the 46 years of my life. How can this be a disaster one may wonder? It would seem to be more of an emotional trial than a disaster, but as the days unfold disaster seems to be the only description that aptly fits.

My Dad is a self made man (I almost used was). He started his first business at the age of 12 and progressed from there. Now he isn’t a Fortune 500 guy by any stretch of the imagination. He sweat and toiled every day for what he has. As kids, we didn’t see much of him; he was always working to keep things going. He felt that to have it done right he had to be the one who did it. It is one trait I inherited from him good or bad. Over the years he built a piece of waterfront property into a well developed piece of commercial property. He built a business that included commercial fishing and property development. A great accomplishment it would seem, except for the fact he made no provisions for what to be done with it should he not be able to work it anymore. Now three children who love him very much are faced with what to do. So why is that a disaster? Like many families of today, to say we are not close would not even be an accurate description. We are the textbook definition of dysfunctional. My brother wants to continue to work it, it is the only thing he has known his whole life. My sister and I agree on that point, but how the end result will be accomplished is where all paths split. One of us wants things to remain status quo for a while to see what happens with Dad and the other thinks we need to look at the long term in the case Dad is unable to return. My brother just wants the stability to be assured a weekly income. Many arguments have ensued at a time when we should be focusing on uniting as a family for the benefit of Dad. A disaster in the making for a family that lost their mother a year ago and now is in imminent danger of losing their father. This family is being ripped apart at a time when we really need each other and we can’t seem to pull together at a time when we really need each other.

The financial end of my Dads’ stroke is not the only disaster to come from it. We have been told Dad will not be coming home from the hospital. He will have to go to a nursing home. My Dad would be mortified if he could assimilate what is going to happen to him. Dad is the epitome of the outdoorsman. He spent most every day on the ocean and if not there he was in a truck plowing snow. His life revolved around the outdoors. He was sick 2 years ago and miserable does not describe his mood. He was mean and nasty like a hurt caged animal. No one ever imagines they will end up in a facility such as a nursing home, but for him, torture is an appropriate word. He may not make the connection, but we can never by sure of the process of the mysterious mind. Once again at a time when we should be pulling together for his sake we are tearing apart. We all have our opinions on where we would like him to go and why we would like him there. My brother and I live close enough that we are concerned about the quality of the facility he goes to and my sister is in partial agreement, but has some reservations that are leading to a whole new set of disagreements. Every decision we have to make seems to make the disaster grow.

Just when it seemed that things couldn’t get worse we find out that in addition to not making financial arrangements in case he became ill, nor has he made any end of life arrangements. He has verbalized that he doesn’t want machines to keep him alive but has put nothing in writing to that effect. He has also done nothing about what will transpire with his properties. If things continue in the same manner they are now, I am afraid our very fragile family will be finished when those decisions come to pass. At least now we have the hope that Dad is going to recover and things will return to some sense of normalcy. If Dad dies, before he puts his wishes to a legal document, the disaster that is now will be of small scale compared to that.

Disaster seems like such a selfish word to describe what is happening, because it infers that the tragedy is happening to me. It is appropriate though, because in a disaster things that were once stable become destroyed with only remnants left. What remains to be seen now is whether this is a disaster from which something will be salvaged and rebuilt or will everything lie in rubble never to be repaired? Will the 3 of us pull together and build on this or will this be the end of us as a family? As with all disasters, only time will tell, if we are repairable or not.