AMANDA

I love my daughter but man can she drive me crazy. She has been a “difficult child” as long as I can remember. She can be the sweetest most loving daughter that a mother could ask for or she can drive me to the point of absolute despair. We will go for long periods at a time with the perfect mother daughter relationship, and then she will do something that hurts me so deeply that I don’t think I will recover from the pain. Always, in the end though my love for her outweighs the hurt she causes me.

At sixteen Amanda, like most teenage girls, was rebellious. She had a boyfriend that at first seemed like a nice guy, but as the relationship grew, they started to do things without my knowledge or permission. When called on this, her reaction was to run away with her boyfriend. For days, I had no knowledge of where she was or even if she was okay. I was a wreck not knowing if I would ever even see her again. They finally returned home, and she truly believed there would be no consequences. When I handed out punishment, her retaliation was to move out of my house and in with her boyfriend. She and her boyfriend came with the police to get her belongings. (Believe it or not at 16, she could not be forced to live at home) I was in tears begging her to stay. She was a typical cocky 16 year old teenager with no regards for anyone else’s feeling. For months we had no contact until I reached out and we resumed a tenuous relationship. Things were starting to get repaired and I was happy to have my baby girl back.

Amanda hadn’t moved home but at least we were in the process of having a relationship. Then Amanda knocked on the door one night and blurted out that she was pregnant. My baby was a junior in high school and pregnant. Guess who no longer had any interest in being involved? The boyfriend; shocker I know. Amanda moved home and the bond of having to struggle brought us closer than ever. We worked together to get things ready for the baby. I worked 70 to 80 hours a week so we could have all the things required for a baby. She went to school and worked a part time job. Times were tough but our relationship was solid. Stephen was born and we worked hard together to give him a good beginning. Amanda was still in school, so I assumed a lot of responsibilities of a mother not a grandmother. I was a proud mother the day of her high school graduation. I knew it hadn’t been easy for her to finish high school with a baby. Life was hard for us, but that was okay because I had a solid relationship with my daughter. Unfortunately, like many things in life, this too would pass. When Stephen was 18 months old, Amanda took him and left one day while I was at work and moved back in with her boyfriend. Amanda and I both knew as long as she was with her boyfriend there would be no relationship for us. I was devastated beyond belief. I thought I would never recover.

My baby and grandson were gone. I thought the pain would never end. Slowly though, I once again recovered. Amanda and I had no contact for a long time. It was a daily ache for me, as now I missed my grandson as much as I missed her. But time and a grandchild softened me. One more time Amanda and I slowly repaired our relationship. I did not approve of her boyfriend; however she was an adult, so he was her choice, not mine. We started doing adult things together and I got to be a grandmother. We seemed to be on solid footing, but then the other shoe dropped. Amanda called me at work in tears, from jail. She had been arrested for being with her boyfriend when he had sold some stolen guns. All the other hurts seemed small as I waited in the lobby of the jail to bail her out. I was angry, but I was also devastated at the thought of my baby girl going to jail. How could this be the same sweet child, I had brought home swaddled all in pink 24 years ago? I bailed her out, helped her find a lawyer, and stood by her during the process. She got off relatively light with minimal jail time, but before being arrested had gotten pregnant again, by the same boyfriend. She served her time; I visited every Sunday leaving in tears. Seeing her pregnant in jail was an emotional nightmare. Amanda was released and the boyfriend dumped her for good this time. She was now a single mother of 2 small boys, had a criminal conviction, no job prospects, and no home. She didn’t come home to me though. This time she wasn’t my baby anymore, she was my adult daughter with real adult problems. We worked together as adults, to help her turn things around.

So, we continue our mother daughter relationship. We have weathered many hard times. My love for her still knows no ends and she still has the ability to hurt me deeply. I will always be there for her, but have learned that I can recover from the pain she causes me at times. I also know that we have the ability to rebuild our relationship when it goes through tough times.