For my entire adult life I have saved momentos from any occasion I thought was special. It didn't have to be a huge life altering event, I saved any and everything I thought was special. Some are from big moments, such as my daughters' perfect attendance award in the 4th grade to her graduation from high school and all the events in between. The majority of these saved items though, came from seemingly insignificant events to anyone but me. A swizzle stick from a bar where I had so much fun I laughed till I peed myself, the movie ticket stub from the first time I went to the movies alone, or a picture of two eagles in the nest across form my house. No one else might care about these things but I do. In 30 plus years, I have accumulated quite a collection, you might imagine. Suitcases and boxes are home to this collection that represents my life.
A few years ago I decided I wanted to make this collection more presentable, something I could share with others, especially my grandchildren. Initially, I bought a few photo albums and tried putting some of the things in that, but it was tacky looking. About that same time, the scrap booking craze began. I kept thinking, I should buy a magazine, take a class, or do something to learn to scrapbook. But life kept getting in the way and more things got added to the suitcase. Then one of my friends had a scrapbooking party and I saw what could really be accomplished. Some of them were beautiful and they can be made uniquely for any person or occasion. I could make a page or two at a time, then leave it and come back to it whenever. My determination to learn to scrap book became even stronger after attending that party.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Lover, friend, acquaintance; all people interacted with on a daily basis, but on different levels. Lover, the person you share all with, friend, the person you may lament to about your lover, and acquantaince, the person you discuss the miserable winter we are having with. Conversations with acquaintances should be the easiest, but that is doesn't always seem the case. There is not the easiness that exists with a lover or a friend. Conversations with an acquaintance sometimes are nothing more than filling dead space, which can be exhausting. With a friend, conversation is easier, because the need to sound intelligent is not always as important as the conversation itself. With a lover, silence can say it all, which is extremely comforting in itself.
How about the havoc social events can cause with these three differnt relationships? The lover is the person you wish to spend time with and enjoy, but there is also the friend who is fun to be with. Then along comes the acquaintance needing to be entertained, because you are the only face in the room they recognize. Once again, the acquaintance seems to be a much harder relationship, than that of the lover who stands quietly aside, letting the events play out or the friend who has moved on to another place by now. Some more exhausting dead space conversation anyone?
Oh, and gift giving certainly presents its' own set of challenges in these different relationships. Acquaintances would seem to be the easiest, but once again, not always the case. A lovers' gift may involve a brain racking pull out your hair type of decision, but the final outcome is worth it. A friends' gift also involves a thought process to get that just right gift, but if it isn't perfect they'll understand. They are a friend after all. Now, comes time for the acquaintance gift. Do I buy for this one or that one, and if I do how much should I spend? What if I buy for them and they feel obligated to give in return? Or worse yet, they buy for me when I had no intention of giving them a gift. If I don't return the gift giving will they think I'm cheap or shallow and if I do, will they now assume we are friends? Again, the acquaintance seems to be the most exhausting of the three.
Finally, my all time favorite, running into one of these three unexpectedly. Running into my lover unexpectedly, for me, is a treat. An unexpected encounter with a lover can be the highlight of a day, a few unplanned minutes to spend together. Running into a friend unexpectedly can give us a chance to to catch up if we haven't seen each other in a while. If I'm too busy to chat or visit with the friend, they will understand, no harm no foul. Running into the acquaintance unexpectedly presents challenges. Will they think I'm rude if I don't stop and chat? Do they really believe I'm too busy to stop what I'm doing for a dead space conversation? Did they see me before I slipped into the next aisle? Guess who the last of these three different groups I least like to run into without warning?
Lover, friend, acquaintance; very different relationships, but each with it's own set of "guidelines." Lover at first thought would seem the hardest, but in comparison is often the easiest. Being with a lover or a friend can be much more comfortable than spending time with an acquaintance. Doesn't seem like it should be that way, but it is. A lover appreciates all of you good or bad. Friends are willing to accept you the way you are. Acquaintances, however, seem to require a certain facade so the best foot is always put forward.
How about the havoc social events can cause with these three differnt relationships? The lover is the person you wish to spend time with and enjoy, but there is also the friend who is fun to be with. Then along comes the acquaintance needing to be entertained, because you are the only face in the room they recognize. Once again, the acquaintance seems to be a much harder relationship, than that of the lover who stands quietly aside, letting the events play out or the friend who has moved on to another place by now. Some more exhausting dead space conversation anyone?
Oh, and gift giving certainly presents its' own set of challenges in these different relationships. Acquaintances would seem to be the easiest, but once again, not always the case. A lovers' gift may involve a brain racking pull out your hair type of decision, but the final outcome is worth it. A friends' gift also involves a thought process to get that just right gift, but if it isn't perfect they'll understand. They are a friend after all. Now, comes time for the acquaintance gift. Do I buy for this one or that one, and if I do how much should I spend? What if I buy for them and they feel obligated to give in return? Or worse yet, they buy for me when I had no intention of giving them a gift. If I don't return the gift giving will they think I'm cheap or shallow and if I do, will they now assume we are friends? Again, the acquaintance seems to be the most exhausting of the three.
Finally, my all time favorite, running into one of these three unexpectedly. Running into my lover unexpectedly, for me, is a treat. An unexpected encounter with a lover can be the highlight of a day, a few unplanned minutes to spend together. Running into a friend unexpectedly can give us a chance to to catch up if we haven't seen each other in a while. If I'm too busy to chat or visit with the friend, they will understand, no harm no foul. Running into the acquaintance unexpectedly presents challenges. Will they think I'm rude if I don't stop and chat? Do they really believe I'm too busy to stop what I'm doing for a dead space conversation? Did they see me before I slipped into the next aisle? Guess who the last of these three different groups I least like to run into without warning?
Lover, friend, acquaintance; very different relationships, but each with it's own set of "guidelines." Lover at first thought would seem the hardest, but in comparison is often the easiest. Being with a lover or a friend can be much more comfortable than spending time with an acquaintance. Doesn't seem like it should be that way, but it is. A lover appreciates all of you good or bad. Friends are willing to accept you the way you are. Acquaintances, however, seem to require a certain facade so the best foot is always put forward.
Lover, friends, acquaintances very different relationships, but each with it's own set of challenges. Lover at first thought would seem the hardest, but in comparison to acquaintances, is often times easier. Being with a lover or a friend can be much more comfortable than spending time with an acquaintance. Doesn't seem like it should be that way, but it is. A lover appreciates all of you, good and bad, friends are willing to accept you the way you are, but acquaintances seem to require a certain facade so the est foot is always put forward.
Lover, friends, acquaintances, all people interacted with on a daily basis, but on different levels. Lover, the person you share the good and bad with, friends the people you may lament to about your lover, and acquaintances those you discuss the miserable winter with. Conversations with acquaintances should be easier, but that is not always the case. There is not the easiness that exists with a lover or a friend. Conversations with acquaintances sometimes are nothing more than filling dead space, wheras with a friend or a lover silence can say all that needs to be said. It would seem that maintaining a relationship with an acuaintance would be easier, but that is not always the case.
Acquaintance, friend, and lover; all people in my life but with different meaning and expectations. Acquaintances would seem to be the easiest type of relationship as opposed to friend or lover, but that is not always the case. Take gift giving for example, friends get certain types of presents with some thought process involved, but not the brain racking, pull your hair out type of decision required for a lovers' gift. Acquaintances for me however can be the most difficult, do I buy for this one or that one and if I do, how much should I spend? I expect presents in return from friends and my loved one, but what about the acquaintance who bought me something and I have nothing in return. Oh the guilt, do I run and buy something or do I say the hell with it? If I don't reciprocate will they think I'm shallow or cheap, and if I do will they now think we are friends? Such a dilemna over three different types of relationships.
Friday, February 20, 2009
ADDICTED
It was a new year, January 2001, the year that changed my life. It was the beginning of my paramedic career and I had no idea when the ball dropped at midnight. I never had aspirations to have a career in EMS, but that was the year it sort of fell into my lap. I was plodding along, living in Machias with my daughter, she a junior in high school, me a waitress. One of my coworkers’ mothers was starting an EMT-B class and needed one more student to make it happen. She asked me if I was interested (it was free), so I said sure. Now at the time, my daughter was 5 months pregnant and I was working 70 to 80 hours to support us. I had no idea what I was getting into and if I had would I have continued? To this day I am not sure. An EMT-B class is not easy and I am an overachiever by nature. So I made a decision to deprive myself of 10 or more hours of much needed sleep a week. I gave the class 100% and the longer it went on the more I loved it. We had a student teacher (who turned out to be a mentor to me) who was so enthusiastic there was no way not to be caught it. I finished the class, passed my state exams, and off I went. Within two weeks of getting my license, I had given notice at my waitress job and knew this was what I was meant to do. I am a caregiver by nature so it was a match made in heaven or so it seemed. I was 38 and finally had made a career choice, not just working a job to survive. All this from a free class, how could I beat that?
As I said, I never had a burning lifelong desire for this career, so how did it come to be? I took my free EMT-B class and I was hooked. I loved being on the ambulance, it hinged on addiction for me. Knowing that you had made a difference in the quantity or quality of someone’s life can be intoxicating. For the first time in years I developed a sense of pride and accomplishment. I could be a caregiver without a long term commitment, a match made in heaven. Eventually though, as with all addictions, I needed more. EMT-I was the next rung on the ladder and I took the step up. I thought EMT-B was hard, ha, a walk in the park I was soon to find out. To get my EMT-B license required 117 hours classroom time, 16 hours clinical time, and the class was close to home. EMT-I was 140 hours classroom time, 150 hours clinical time, all to be done in Bangor, a mere 90 mile one way trip. Oh, and did I mention the teenage daughter is still at home and has now brought with her a baby boy? It was tough and exhausting, but I worked two jobs and traveled anywhere from 2 to 5 times a week to Bangor. Once again I finish the class, take my state exams, and life is good. I am an EMT-I now. The sun is certainly shining on me. The career I never desired is shaping up, but the addiction won’t let me stop.
One free class and what has developed from that? After sacrifice and struggle the roof is in sight from where I stand on the ladder. Along the way though, somebody noticed that I had a knack not only at being a good EMS provider, but at educating others who were EMTs or wanted to become EMTs. Take an instructor class was the encouragement I received. I had barely finished my EMT-I class when I dove into this aspect of emergency medicine. Back to Bangor, still a 90 mile one way trip, this time for a 40 hour instructor class with one semester of student teaching. How hard could it be? I was an EMS provider and surely teaching it couldn’t be that difficult. Well, I’m here to tell you doing it and teaching it are 2 different worlds. The preparation, the students, making and grading tests were time consuming in an already frugal time budget. Once again, I made it through and became a licensed EMS instructor. But will this addiction finally be satisfied? Not quite. At about the same time I finished getting my instructor license, a new paramedic class was starting. I had been thinking this step on and off, but knowing the magnitude of this decision, couldn’t quite commit. After a lot of thought and discussion with my partner I decided to go for it. Machias Ambulance was going to have its’ first paramedic in its’ 30+ years of existence. One free class and now I am an EMS junkie.
A paramedic? 4 years ago I had never stepped foot in an ambulance, and now one damn free class for a career I had never considered, has put me in school for the better part of 2 years. Now I am going to give another year of my life to this. Well at least the teenage daughter has graduated from high school and is able to take responsibility for her child. Fortunately, my partner is an also an EMS provider so understood the sacrifice we were about to make. Paramedic school is tough and you can kiss that year of your life goodbye. Back to Bangor, for regular classroom hours, specialty classes, and hours of clinical time. Paramedic school is also very expensive and with no financial support from the town whose ambulance I worked for, it was tough in a lot of aspects. My partner made huge personal and financial sacrifices so I could fulfill this last step on the ladder and stand on the roof (or so I thought). Paramedic school is finished, state exams are taken and I am there. But now I am there with no job. The town I worked for only paid us $4.00 an hour, as they considered us “volunteers.” So now this addiction, like so many others, has put me put me out of a job. They were unwilling to negotiate to make it viable for me, so guess where I have to go? Back to Bangor, this time for employment. In addition to acquiring a full time paramedic job (with paramedic pay), I also got a job in education for the EMS office in this region. With these two positions, I have accomplished major professional goals, but at huge personal sacrifices. Those I love can’t be here with me due to other obligations, so like a lot of addicts, I am alone most of the time.
Yep, the career I never envisioned is a dual edged sword, which cuts on a daily basis. I can’t imagine walking away from it but I suffer daily from not being with those who mean the most to me. Free ain’t always what it’s cracked up to be, which is a lesson most addicts learn at some point. Ten years ago I never dreamed I would have the career that I do now and certainly never imagined that fulfillment could have as much pain as joy.
It was a new year, January 2001, the year that changed my life. It was the beginning of my paramedic career and I had no idea when the ball dropped at midnight. I never had aspirations to have a career in EMS, but that was the year it sort of fell into my lap. I was plodding along, living in Machias with my daughter, she a junior in high school, me a waitress. One of my coworkers’ mothers was starting an EMT-B class and needed one more student to make it happen. She asked me if I was interested (it was free), so I said sure. Now at the time, my daughter was 5 months pregnant and I was working 70 to 80 hours to support us. I had no idea what I was getting into and if I had would I have continued? To this day I am not sure. An EMT-B class is not easy and I am an overachiever by nature. So I made a decision to deprive myself of 10 or more hours of much needed sleep a week. I gave the class 100% and the longer it went on the more I loved it. We had a student teacher (who turned out to be a mentor to me) who was so enthusiastic there was no way not to be caught it. I finished the class, passed my state exams, and off I went. Within two weeks of getting my license, I had given notice at my waitress job and knew this was what I was meant to do. I am a caregiver by nature so it was a match made in heaven or so it seemed. I was 38 and finally had made a career choice, not just working a job to survive. All this from a free class, how could I beat that?
As I said, I never had a burning lifelong desire for this career, so how did it come to be? I took my free EMT-B class and I was hooked. I loved being on the ambulance, it hinged on addiction for me. Knowing that you had made a difference in the quantity or quality of someone’s life can be intoxicating. For the first time in years I developed a sense of pride and accomplishment. I could be a caregiver without a long term commitment, a match made in heaven. Eventually though, as with all addictions, I needed more. EMT-I was the next rung on the ladder and I took the step up. I thought EMT-B was hard, ha, a walk in the park I was soon to find out. To get my EMT-B license required 117 hours classroom time, 16 hours clinical time, and the class was close to home. EMT-I was 140 hours classroom time, 150 hours clinical time, all to be done in Bangor, a mere 90 mile one way trip. Oh, and did I mention the teenage daughter is still at home and has now brought with her a baby boy? It was tough and exhausting, but I worked two jobs and traveled anywhere from 2 to 5 times a week to Bangor. Once again I finish the class, take my state exams, and life is good. I am an EMT-I now. The sun is certainly shining on me. The career I never desired is shaping up, but the addiction won’t let me stop.
One free class and what has developed from that? After sacrifice and struggle the roof is in sight from where I stand on the ladder. Along the way though, somebody noticed that I had a knack not only at being a good EMS provider, but at educating others who were EMTs or wanted to become EMTs. Take an instructor class was the encouragement I received. I had barely finished my EMT-I class when I dove into this aspect of emergency medicine. Back to Bangor, still a 90 mile one way trip, this time for a 40 hour instructor class with one semester of student teaching. How hard could it be? I was an EMS provider and surely teaching it couldn’t be that difficult. Well, I’m here to tell you doing it and teaching it are 2 different worlds. The preparation, the students, making and grading tests were time consuming in an already frugal time budget. Once again, I made it through and became a licensed EMS instructor. But will this addiction finally be satisfied? Not quite. At about the same time I finished getting my instructor license, a new paramedic class was starting. I had been thinking this step on and off, but knowing the magnitude of this decision, couldn’t quite commit. After a lot of thought and discussion with my partner I decided to go for it. Machias Ambulance was going to have its’ first paramedic in its’ 30+ years of existence. One free class and now I am an EMS junkie.
A paramedic? 4 years ago I had never stepped foot in an ambulance, and now one damn free class for a career I had never considered, has put me in school for the better part of 2 years. Now I am going to give another year of my life to this. Well at least the teenage daughter has graduated from high school and is able to take responsibility for her child. Fortunately, my partner is an also an EMS provider so understood the sacrifice we were about to make. Paramedic school is tough and you can kiss that year of your life goodbye. Back to Bangor, for regular classroom hours, specialty classes, and hours of clinical time. Paramedic school is also very expensive and with no financial support from the town whose ambulance I worked for, it was tough in a lot of aspects. My partner made huge personal and financial sacrifices so I could fulfill this last step on the ladder and stand on the roof (or so I thought). Paramedic school is finished, state exams are taken and I am there. But now I am there with no job. The town I worked for only paid us $4.00 an hour, as they considered us “volunteers.” So now this addiction, like so many others, has put me put me out of a job. They were unwilling to negotiate to make it viable for me, so guess where I have to go? Back to Bangor, this time for employment. In addition to acquiring a full time paramedic job (with paramedic pay), I also got a job in education for the EMS office in this region. With these two positions, I have accomplished major professional goals, but at huge personal sacrifices. Those I love can’t be here with me due to other obligations, so like a lot of addicts, I am alone most of the time.
Yep, the career I never envisioned is a dual edged sword, which cuts on a daily basis. I can’t imagine walking away from it but I suffer daily from not being with those who mean the most to me. Free ain’t always what it’s cracked up to be, which is a lesson most addicts learn at some point. Ten years ago I never dreamed I would have the career that I do now and certainly never imagined that fulfillment could have as much pain as joy.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
The story behind the story-- I start every day with a phone call to my partner in Machias. Usually the conversations are light and upbeat, but when one of us has had a tough day, usually me, it is virtually impossible to be truly consoled over the phone. Words (sorry John) can't replace a touch or a hug. These conversations used to always end in tears, but over the last two and a half years have gotten better. It is still a daily struggle for me knowing that to continue this job means going home to Machias once every four to six weeks. Does the satisfaction of my job really compare with going to bed with the one you love every night? No, but do I throw my education and what I have accomplished away? If I move back to Machias that is in essence what I would be doing. My partner has obligations to an aging parent that make moving to Bangor impossible right now. So here we are, between the proverbial rock and hard place. Then there is my daughter and grandchildren, I know I am missing so much. I call them every day, but a phone call can never replace a kiss and hug or a good tickling session. They are growing up and I am missing the benefits of being a grandparent after paying the dues of being a parent. At times the story behind the story really sucks.
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